Frozen_In_Time Nutang Journal

watching: The Sands Of Time Slip Through My Fingers
listening to: Live Like You Were Dying - Tim McGraw
mood: Devastated

I am a 39 yr old big beautiful women with blond hair, blue eyes and no man... I am still married to him, but he is gone... like the wind on fall day... just got up went to work one day and never came back. We were good together back in the day... Then we found a hobby that tears even the most wealthy, the most famous, the most real people apart... We Found a new lover her name is Cocaine.

Mike (that is my husband's name) he cheated on me with cocaine, I cheated on him with cocaine... our sexlife became non-existent. All we cared about was our lover, and how she never talked back, yelled, or slammed any doors... she was easy to get, and easier to use then real love... but we thought we had found the fountain of youth, the paradise of pleasure... we were soon too high to stop the insanity, but too human to let it go on...

We parted company on awful terms... I mean before cocaine we had a life, a good life.. one others wished they had had... we had a nice house, a great car, a cute kitty cat, good jobs, and a love for each other - that was so strong, we were bound to each other even before we got married...

We loved each other... We never went to bed mad. We never the house without kissing the other goodbye, we woke to a morning kiss, and a little love making in the early morning, while dew still sat upon the grass and the flowers... we had it all... and we were so confident, um safe and together that we didn't see what cocaine was doing to us... til it was much too late...

You probably think kissing all the time is silly, but we had our reasons... they were simple, but meaningful... we kissed before bed, when we woke, any anytime one of was going out, or coming back... the theory behind this... was if God Forbid Something Terrible Should Happen... Our Last Memory Of Each Other Is Bound In A Kiss...

Even when he left for good, he kissed me goodbye... Only I didn't know it was goodbye forever kiss... I thought it was going to work kiss... I was foolish, I was in shock... I couldn't; comprehend that fact he was gone... I wandered around aimlessly, listlessly for days... waking up, pulling the covers up to hide the world, so I could pretend he was still with me... I didn't want to be alone with just cocaine.

He called me on a Thursday, the following Thursday after he left on a Friday. He asked me if could come and get his stuff... I couldn't keep it, even though I wanted to... Of course, I said yes... He said, Will You Be There? Didn't know how much that would hurt, watching him gather his things to leave again... My mother told me to stay home, to deal with him... to talk, discuss or fix our problems... but cocaine she had another idea... we would go somewhere where no one knew we we and we would get fucked up... so fucked up that I didn't care they he was coming to the house... I didn't go home that night.

I came to find out, lately then next day when I got home... he left me a note - that said: had you been here, and chose me over cocaine - I would have stayed... I was coming home to you... I cried... I fucked everything up... It seemed whatever I touched, wilted away and died... including his love for me...

2 days later, I was with my sister... she was buying so I was flying... we were at her house, getting high - but I was the one going on the runs to get it... that meant that I had to drive into Danbury, where Mike was 3 times...

Who MADE MY SISTER GOD? She didn't tell me he called 5 times... looking for me... wanting me to come to him, to see him, to talk to him, to show him how much I loved him.. No... SHE TURNED THE RINGER OFF... But didn't tell me... I would been out of there like shot. BUT SHE KEPT ME IN THE DARK, SO I COULD RUN ALL NIGHT FOR HER...

Meanwhile, my husband was at Pams... Pam is an easy lover, always has been, always will be. He went to her house to get her to call me... my sister turned the phone off... he had a gun - he put it in his mouth and wanted to pull the trigger... Pam saved him... with her arms, and body and her sex. He wasn't gone 10 days, before she fucked him. Oh she said, he was overrought and I comforted him... I said, you knew where I am was... If my sister turned the phone off, you should have gotten you and him in your car and drove to where I was... but no - you took advantage of the situation and it hurt me so much... that for next 2 yrs not one day went buy that i didn't smoke crack.

I begged, borrowed, stole, connived, convinced, controlled other people and their money to fit my life and my troubled existence... so what I gave a little head, fucked a little bit... it didn't mean anything to me... I just wanted to get high and forever numb.

Oh he came around in the beginning... we made love a few times... never talked, or kissed, loved again... but smoked crack and fucked... then he'd leave and again I was alone with my cocaine... my life... my disease.

Got so bad, I ended in jail... Boy was I embarrassed... 39 yr old woman going to jail... hand cuffs and shackles.. bound my body, tortured my soul, destroyed my ability to see things through rose colored glasses...

no the drug induced haze went away, and there I was in jail, with no one to write me, to see me, to talk to me... no one love me... not even my cocaine. I got clean, sober... wrote alot of journal entries that had been on my computer til tonite when I had to start again... life sucks!!!

Even when you think you got it, you don't... even when you think you understand you don't ... I came home, clean and sober... and thought well he told me if I cleaned up my act, and got straight like he had done... maybe we could salvage something and start over... but when I got out... he wouldn't see me, or talk me, or yell me... NOTHING!

Do you realize how bad NOTHING feels, as apposed to being acknowledged even in anger. but no he didn't acknowledge my existence. My sobriety. None of it. And now, he moved to florida with another women, he told me last time I talked to him he didn't love her, but she got an inheritance and fuck it he didn't love me anymore... why not?

I have written a web site about addiction, that didn't hurt as much to write as this did... I thought I was over him... I thought I could live with out him... I learned to live without cocaine, it should have been easy to learn to live without him, but it's not.

I will never marry again, nor will I ever love anyone like I love him... Totally and completely unconditional love... in a way that allows me to love him from, afar, even though he is with another... my love doesn't hold conditions... I love deeply, honestly and completely. And I hope he is happy... because he deserves happiness... and if I caused him pain, then he is better off without me.

Everybody thinks I;ll go back to drugs... but the disillusionment & deceit that came with using cocaine... is gone. I hate the person who first got me to try it... I wasn't a kid, I was almost 30... I had been through the experimental stage of growing up and trying different drugs and drinks, but nothing grabbed me and said: hey this is for you. So I didn't imagine that trying cocaine would grab me... but I found out the hard way I didn't have a chance... it devoured me and my life... my dreams, desires, consciousness was all gone in an instant.

How could that be? I would rather die then use agin. I don't want to be a person who is not thinking clearly... seeing reality as it is... even though bad things happen sometimes to good people... but I need to see everything.... even if it hurts. Even if it confuses me.

I no longer hide behind the cocaine induced haze I did before... Sure I can I get it... easy... but I don't want it. I want a life... I want my life... I want it back... but we all know we can't go back... all we can do is move forward... and hope and pray that we are smarter this time around then we were before.... DAMNIT I better Be...

There's alot more... I didn't cover... but not now... not tonite... I have to summarize my thoughts, my feelings before I can go on... my life, the life i began when I used drugs sucks.

I am clean and it still sucks... Thank god you only have to live once... I can't even fathom having to go through this again... I don't believe I would be strong enough to withstand the pain, the pressure, the embarrassment... no I would take the cheaters way out.

Thank god I don't have to. Uncomf4tablyNumb... still even without drugs... my head is in a pillow case, or so it feels, like I am living underwater... slithering on the floor like a snake, hiding in anger and deceit... from myself. life sucks.